Friday, 8 February 2008

Strange Days

So... Oprah's pushing the shit out of Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth.

Awesome.

And also a little weird.

Mixed feelings about this one.

It's weird - the first time I read the Power Of Now I knew that Tolle had finished the book I'd been trying to write for ten years.

I mean, with A New Earth getting the Oprah treatment, we're seeing the beginnings of something really big. It's going to take off hard. Tolle is going to trigger a spiritual awakening on a global scale.

It's funny isn't it? I've always struggled to write down things he just comes the fuck out with - but he's done it. You think I'd be happy for the man - and honestly, I am. I've got more respect for him than for any thinker living or dead.

At the same time, there is a part of me that writhes in indignation at being pipped to the post... which is ludicrous because I never had even the smallest degree of the insight that dude's toting.

Pipped to the post.

How revealing is that?

I mean, dear me, that's not healthy, is it? What does that say about my motivations in this 'grand endeavour'. Ego-tastic, that's what they are.

I don't know. It's funny, sometimes the ego overplays it's hand. It is, after all, one arrogant bastard.

But when I caught myself whining about Tolle to myself, I realized

1) the fucking absurdity of my bitching

2) the shitty foundations on which my 'noble desires' lie

and

3) that I am still surfing the deep seas of unconsciousness.

I think it's 3 that I should look at closely. It's weird - I noticed something recently that I don't think I'd admitted to in a while.

I'm scared pretty much all the time.

I mean, not to whine about it. There's nothing to be afraid of, I mean, jeez - my life couldn't be going better... and yet...

It's like a noise, that you just tune out after a while. You know, like if there's construction work outside your window or something, and after a while your brain just tunes it out. It's like that, but 50 times more subtle.

I can feel it like a gnawing in the centre of my chest. I think a lot of the shit that I do has a quality to it of 'overcompensation'. Like I feel I need to be the absolute best at stuff because... maybe because I'm so scared of being the worst.

It's a strange one. It's important though. It's like I've brushed away a lot of the surface debris of the 'ego'... or whatever you want to call it.

But now I'm starting to see the deeper levels of the thing.

I don't know.

The thing is, this fear I feel - I know it's there, but it's so deeply buried that I can hardly bring my awareness to it. As such I can't just 'Tolle' it away. Not at once, anyway.

I guess it's just a case of keeping the awareness coming. I guess it's just a case of keeping the faith, so to speak. A case of continuing to hone my presence, my ability to be in 'the now' as our esteemed German colleague might say.

I'm not sure.

Strange days.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thanks a lot for writing this. Honestly? It means something to people who are at your "same level." Think about it...you *are* serving others...you *are* helping people "wake up" and it's to YOUR best ability. Tolle is a different guy than you, older, with life experiences you don't have yet. Thank him for where he's gotten you and then forget it.

I'm just like you on this. I've studied this kind of inner work for 3-4+ years now, and just getting out of a 4-5 month relationship is DEVASTATING....whaaaa? To a Tolle guy? To a super pickup man? Whaaaa?

But it's shown me my inner codependance that I've hidden from myself...ultimately a good thing to be aware of.

The point I'm making is that having all the right knowledge can trick us sometimes into getting mad at ourselves like "Why haven't I just GOTTEN IT yet?" Which answers my own question of why I've been getting mad at everyone else who hasn't gotten it....phew. We're mirrors matey...

Continue the journey. I get the most out of -your blog- right now.

J "SoAtomik"

DrunkJohn said...

What is there to fear? The things you fear are external (no one is afraid afraid of themselves, that's the ego shielding you). External things can be tested or avoided.

Avoiding them perpetuates fear. Testing yields results.

Is it fear of changing yourself and losing direction? Is it fear of never finding a solution? Is it fear of the process?

Think on it.

Ingvar said...

Much appreciated reflections.
But I cant help but thinking that your reflections about your own ego actually comes from the ego itself. It's the ego talking about the ego.

You know it;
"There is only now. There is only this. This is awareness. This is aliveness."

But as you start to analyze yourself, you get trapped in mind. What if there was no thought, would there be anyone thinking "I havent *got* it yet!" ? No, there would only be this, that which is.

Dont take your thoughts so seriously, let them pass ;)

But then again, I really appreciated this article and the fact that you also put words on these kinds of experiences.

Atmosphere said...

I remember when I had first read the power of now and I went away to tell my Tai Chi instructor. He told me how he loves those books but that they don't last. He described it like taking a hit of coffee. As long as you keep finding a new spiritual book then you are high.

This is essentially what happens with the general public when they read a spirituality book. The initial high will knock them off of their chairs with the force of a gale, and then slowly the winds will die down and the ego will begin to seep back to the fore.

It takes a real concentrated effort to break a person out of their own programming. This is a step in the right direction, but it is not a cure. Just as no book can ever be.

The best we can hope for with saving th e world is a few enlightened leaders. The majority of the population will always be sheep in some shape or form. That is the nature of humanity. There is no end to this process.