So... Oprah's pushing the shit out of Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth.
And also a little weird.
Mixed feelings about this one.
It's weird - the first time I read the Power Of Now I knew that Tolle had finished the book I'd been trying to write for ten years.
I mean, with A New Earth getting the Oprah treatment, we're seeing the beginnings of something really big. It's going to take off hard. Tolle is going to trigger a spiritual awakening on a global scale.
It's funny isn't it? I've always struggled to write down things he just comes the fuck out with - but he's done it. You think I'd be happy for the man - and honestly, I am. I've got more respect for him than for any thinker living or dead.
At the same time, there is a part of me that writhes in indignation at being pipped to the post... which is ludicrous because I never had even the smallest degree of the insight that dude's toting.
Pipped to the post.
How revealing is that?
I mean, dear me, that's not healthy, is it? What does that say about my motivations in this 'grand endeavour'. Ego-tastic, that's what they are.
I don't know. It's funny, sometimes the ego overplays it's hand. It is, after all, one arrogant bastard.
But when I caught myself whining about Tolle to myself, I realized
1) the fucking absurdity of my bitching
2) the shitty foundations on which my 'noble desires' lie
3) that I am still surfing the deep seas of unconsciousness.
I think it's 3 that I should look at closely. It's weird - I noticed something recently that I don't think I'd admitted to in a while.
I'm scared pretty much all the time.
I mean, not to whine about it. There's nothing to be afraid of, I mean, jeez - my life couldn't be going better... and yet...
It's like a noise, that you just tune out after a while. You know, like if there's construction work outside your window or something, and after a while your brain just tunes it out. It's like that, but 50 times more subtle.
I can feel it like a gnawing in the centre of my chest. I think a lot of the shit that I do has a quality to it of 'overcompensation'. Like I feel I need to be the absolute best at stuff because... maybe because I'm so scared of being the worst.
It's a strange one. It's important though. It's like I've brushed away a lot of the surface debris of the 'ego'... or whatever you want to call it.
But now I'm starting to see the deeper levels of the thing.
I don't know.
The thing is, this fear I feel - I know it's there, but it's so deeply buried that I can hardly bring my awareness to it. As such I can't just 'Tolle' it away. Not at once, anyway.
I guess it's just a case of keeping the awareness coming. I guess it's just a case of keeping the faith, so to speak. A case of continuing to hone my presence, my ability to be in 'the now' as our esteemed German colleague might say.
I'm not sure.