Wednesday, 19 March 2008

I Will Not Break Today

No more horror. No more pain.

That is the cry of this planet. The earth itself sings out for an end to the nightmares, and a gateway to the better place that each of us secretly know is inches from us.

We have two options.

We can wait for a saviour, and risk the fact that he will not come before our time is spent.

Or we can be the saviour, and risk the fact that we may not be strong enough to face the horror and survive.

The one way risks ignominy. The second risks hell.

And that is where the only dignity lies.

Not in spires or cathedrals.

Not in hope, and not in safety.

Only in fire are we sure that we are not compromising the highest part of us.

Only when we stare despair full in the face do we fulfill our better natures.

It is going to take a pure, consistent and extreme expression of all the things that are highest and best in humanity to pull us up and out of the shit we're in.

So then let us be pure. Let us be consistent, and let us be extreme.

That fear that claws at you. It likes to hide in context.

I am fear of failure, it says.

I am fear of rejection, or fear of loss.


It is not fear of failure.

It is not fear of rejection.

It is not fear of loss.

It is just fear.




Nothing more.

Nothing less.

Ha! You think you have phobias?

You think you are afraid of commitment or connection?


Fear is a discrete phenomenon.

It is a thing in and of itself.

It manifests.

It manifests as any number of things.

But in the end, it is only fear.

The chaos, the horror, the loss and the waste that climbs up inside you whenever it can.

Fuck fear.

Fuck it till it's dead.

Tear that shit down. Place yourself in it's bastions, in those places where it hold you most.

Place yourself there, and fight.

Fight like a psychopath.

Fight like a king.

Fight like a warrior poet until you've banished it forever.

The places it hold you are the places you meet it.

Meet it.

Destroy it.

Destroy it with courage, destroy it with flame, destroy it with that one inch of you that refuses ever to give up because 'fuck you' is why.

Because if you want me, God, you can come down and get me.

Because if you want to break me, here I am.

Because there is something in me, always, that stands on the brink of surrender and always says NO.


Not today.

I will not break today.

I will beat you, no matter what the cost, no matter what the terror, or the humiliation or the shame.

I will take you to pieces because I am stronger than you for one simple reason.

I choose to be.

I choose to be stronger than you.

And although I may not have the strength of thousands, I have the strength of one.

And that strength extends exactly one inch beyond yours, fear.

I will always beat you.

Because I will always throw myself at you, and I will endure for one more second than you can.

I will say yes just one more time than you can say no.

And in that simplicity, I am free.

In that moment, you cannot touch me.

You're already dead.

You just don't know it yet.

But worry not, my friend.

You'll find out soon enough.


Anonymous said...

Great stuff. Love it! I like these kinds of writings.

Algeristo said...

Wow! Just wow!

Rogue said...

Hi, Ciaran,

I'd like some clarification. In this post you say, "It is not fear of failure. It is not fear of rejection. It is not fear of loss. It is just fear."

This contradicts what your previous post on meditation said, which was, "We can tune up our awareness, dredge up each separate piece and bring it out into the light. We can make the unconscious conscious, slowly, one piece at a time."

Doesn't that mean that you should bring up the fear of rejection, loss, etc. one piece at a time? In that case it makes sense to distinguish between the types of fear.

James G Salomons said...


There is no contradiction. Fear brings about the same underlying response within the mind no matter what is feared.

Yes, you are right, 'different' fears arise... but the difference is further down the chain. It is recognised by the conceptual mind: the intellect. Awareness makes no discrimination. Thus, fear is just fear, as well as being a multitude of fears. It is both and neither.

You ask whether we should bring up each individual part of the unconscious and become aware of them. Fundamentally speaking you are asking about technique. My advice on this matter would not be to sit down and actively search for little bits of your subconscious. Just sit, and watch your thoughts - this is vipassana. What comes, comes and what leaves, leaves. No discrimination, no attaching. Simply arising, fleeting thoughts.

Sit like a mountain and watching your thoughts go by like clouds.

Ciaran, I knew the Buddha dharma would find you and I am glad it has :)

Om mani padme hum.