My game sucks.
This has been something of an annoyance to me for a little while now. Last I knew, I kicked ass. Now I don't.
I couldn't pinpoint why. I mean, there's the obvious - that after coming out of a long relationship I'm all rusty. That's fair enough. But the strange thing is not that I'm 'bad' in some vague way... the strange thing is that my game is now exactly the opposite of what it used to be.
I used to be all about the insta-pickup. Just an instant sexual vibe leading quickly to sex. It was like submission fighting - everything geared toward the one result.
Now, it's weird. I radiate this chilled energy that puts women at ease, but it doesn't get them all jittery and wet like it used to. If I try using any of the overt sexual comments that I used to find so powerful, they come out weak. I can hear it in my voice, it's just not genuine. It's like I can remember the verbal and physical forms of what I used to do, but the core's just not there now.
As such, there's a strange discordance (one might say incongruence) between my words and my internal state.
This is the one thing I guess I didn't expect, because I've been pouring so much effort into reaching an internal state of massive stability and calm. Back in the days of yore, I never had that - the power I used to have came from what I recognise now to be a pretty dirty kind of psychological place.
Nonetheless, that power worked. It had a hugely compelling quality to it which my game now lacks.
I reached a level with Zen the other day. It was a kind of intellectual breakthrough of sorts. Zen is a funny fucker, as I understand it, it's not really about reaching a kind of mediative calm so much as it is about holding thoughts inside your head which your mind cannot process, thus short-circuiting it - two mutually incompatible concepts tear it apart, and catapult you into a state of presence.
Once you've got a hold of the short-circuiting mechanism, you can effectively bypass meditation entirely, and crack great big chunks out of your ego-structure on an ad-hoc basis. The damage you inflict upon the ego structure seems to be pretty deep too - it's not like it just 'grows back' as it often does with meditation - instead, you can feel a marked and persistent release in emotional pressure that doesn't go away.
It's pretty cool.
But here's the thing.
My game's still pretty flaky, especially compared with what it was. Chicks keep wanting to girlfriend up, and not get down with the nasty. Grr.
You see, I'd made the mistake of equating 'presence' with 'Nimbus'. Presence is that quality that Tolle has in spades. Presence is the sensation of calm power that flows from a quieted mind.
Nimbus is an entirely distinct kind of thing. You do not need to be enlightened to Nimbus. I mean, shit. Hitler had Nimbus. And he was a dick.
So I'm starting to think... what the fuck is it that attracts women if it's not presence? And how does presence link to Nimbus?
What is presence? What is it? How does it impact game?
And why am I not sparking hard attraction like I used to?
Well, here's the thing. I was thinking about what I had going on in Vegas (where my Nimbus was ablaze, leading to rapid debauchery) and what I had going on back in the day (when my Nimbus was ablaze, leading to rapid debauchery).
I was also thinking about what it is that's missing now.
I think that what I'm doing is confusing presence with Nimbus.
So if presence is the power of the quieted mind, what's Nimbus?
Here's what I think.
The power of Nimbus is what happens when you feel as if you are fully living your purpose on earth. Nimbus is the confidence that comes from 100% living in line with a deep goal that inspires and consumes you, placing all your internal assets at your disposal. It is as if you are walking in line with reality itself, and a host of effects extend from that which mark it out as a unique and discrete phenomenon.
Here's a few descriptions:
UBER fast calibration on the fly, PITCH PERFECT
Conversational genius, full improv IF DESIRED
Impervious to fire, bullshit, sickness, pain
Laser vision crowd reading
100% empathy and emotional maneuverability
Massive influence, unspoken dominance (it is what it is)
Non verbals completely dialed
Increase in Physical Energy
Profound understanding of any social situation/ hierarchies etc
Vortex-like presence draws in (black nimbus if reaction goes too far)
You DO NOT CARE
-Ultra feeling of freedom
-Ultra feeling of joy
-Everything seem in slow motion
-Sens of peace
-fast thinking/slow mouvements
-Feeling like god (I'm god)/top of the world.
Serenity in the midst of chaos
The feeling of BEING the eye of the storm
The convergence of circumstance and probability leaning strikingly in your favour
Ability to almost instantly solve the most intractable conversational, logistical, social and sexual roadblocks.
Superhuman levels of emotional endurance and recovery time
Total clarity and full access to all higher brain functions (insight, genius, wit)
A kind of 'celebrity aura' which makes all your approaches stick like fucking superglue
A total and intuitive grasp of channels of physical communication (aka kino) leading to rapid and nigh-unstoppable escalation
- effortless motion and purposefull motion in achieving all things he desires. Aristotelian in social matters "form follows funcion."
- A social chess master who knows all scenarios six moves into the future and has the correct counter to each of these scenarios.
- Listens to women and is able to create deep emotional connections with any woman he choses
- His attitude and level of cool is so contagious to all people around him that even cockblocks and alpha males are helping him and are on his side.
- knows how to dance salsa and merengue and fancies latin clubs ;)
The pupils of the eyes dilate, reflecting more light than normal.
Eyes never seek reactions.
The blood vessels dilate, bringing more blood and heat to just beneath the surface, causing a sheen on the skin... different than sweat. A better "pallor."
Body motions have no urgency to them; they are relaxed, strong, purposeful. Value-scanning, head-wagging, nervous types of behaviors are gone.
Voice deepens slightly, and verbal cadence comes under direct control.
Chest expands, shoulders relax back, spine straightens, head is up.
Breathing is normal, heart rate is normal, not elevated or pounding.
Muscles feel energized.
Pain is nonexistent. Any previous pains are gone.
These add up to being the physical display of "All who surround me are in my sphere." It is instantly recognizable.
Nimbus is like the full expression of masculine polarity.
Nimbus is intimately linked to purpose. That's what I had before that was so compelling... I was living completely in line with what I saw (and what I still see) as my purpose on earth.
But there was a problem, and I think it's the problem (I hope on a lesser scale) that Hitler ran into.
You see, Nimbus is fucking potent. When you Nimbus, you are unleashing forces of unimaginable power into your life, and into the world in which you live.
Remember - Nimbus is nothing more or less than the unification of your being that comes from living a fully conscious life with 100% intent toward a goal that inspires you to the depths of your being.
Consciously living your dream.
If your purpose on earth is coming from a place of darkness, a place of need and hunger, a place of anger or loneliness or shame - then your Nimbus will be tainted.
I speak from bitter experience. The Christmas before last I experienced a pretty extreme state-crash. The reason I went for Zen as hard as I did is probably a simple reaction against not wanting to fall off the wagon again.
But here's the thing. I went for Zen like a crazy bastard, as I am wont to do.
In releasing attachment from everything, I relinquished that sense of purpose that I had. When you're living in line with your highest dreams, your body and mind flood with a power that has a quality to it so compelling that women (and anyone else) are simply blown away.
However - if your Nimbus is based on lies (and it will be if the purpose you're living out is coming from a place of internal pain) then your Nimbus has no foundation in reality.
This does NOT mean it is weak. A Dark Nimbus can be extremely potent. History is littered with examples of such.
However, when you have a Dark Nimbus, one of two things will happen.
1 - The disconnect between your Nimbus and reality will cause your Nimbus to crumble, resulting in an "Icarus Effect" - you fall very hard because you were soaring so high. It will manifest itself as extremely acute existential angst, as you are forced to watch your awesome life melt away in front of you like snow in the Sahara.
However, this is actually the better of the two results of the Dark Nimbus. The second is extremely nasty, and it's this:
2 - The disconnect between your Nimbus and reality will cause you to retreat into a fantasy world of your own creation to preserve the Nimbus itself. This does preserve the Nimbus temporarily, and the compelling power of the Nimbus will draw people into your reality even when it is transparently failing (there are many, many examples of this - Hitler's probably one we can all relate to... Godwin's Law-Tastic). The problem here is, obviously, that at some point you're going to need to pay the piper, and when you do, the cost will be extreme. Either that or you die in delusion like a coward like that mustachioed Austrian fuck. One or the other.
You see, Nimbus is the effect that surrounds you when you feel like you're living 100% in your purpose and you are surrounded by destiny.
Obviously, there is a devil's deal here. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.
But here's where I'm starting to think that Zen comes in.
You see, purpose is not the exclusive domain of the ego.
That's right. It's not something I can see completely clearly right now, but basically, if you can 'purify' your purpose with Zen, if you can strip away all the self-seeking from it, you can (I hope) build a Nimbus with foundations that run extremely deep, and are woven into the very fabric of your being itself.
In theory, if one did this, one could build a Nimbus that was effectively immortal and needed no external input to sustain it - other than you living out the highest purpose of your life.
Maybe I'm just trying to justify all the effort I put into Zen. I don't know.
It does seem to me though that there MUST be a way to connect the dots on this - a way to build a Nimbus that is not contingent on outside circumstance, and will not consume you or crush you.
I think there is a way to FUSE Zen and Nimbus, to fuse presence and purpose, triggering something much greater than both, a synergistic fusion of wisdom and power.
Which is, as you can probably guess, my goal for the immediate future.
Let battle commence...