Saturday, 31 May 2008

Redefining Greatness

So it's taken, what 5 days? 6?

That's how long it's taken to pull down the rep I've been building tirelessly for three years. Humbling.

All those of you who have chosen to remain with the blog, I salute you. I realise that there are many things pulling you away from here, and many voices undermining mine.

But you have stayed because you sensed something in what I'm saying. Something that may have hit you like a hammer - or maybe just something that's needling you at the edge of your consciousness and refuses to leave no matter how much you try to ignore it.

Good. What this means is that you are unwilling to simply and easily dismiss something that rings all too true, even if you really want to.

In that, you are already stronger than I was.

And before we go on, I want you to know a couple of things. Firstly, I am no hero. I know that a lot of people are saying and will continue to say that moreover, I am any number of very bad things.

Do not get sucked into caricatures of me in defiance to their venom. If you really respect me, you will not lionise me. I am no lion. I am a leech who wants to be a man again.

Now, I've spoken about a 'new way' and I know that many of you are waiting to hear what I have to say. Before I go on, a couple of things.

1 - This is going to challenge the living shit out of you.
2 - No, really, this is really going to challenge the living shit out of you.

Ok. Another thing I want to say is that I do care deeply about whether or not you get this. I want you to, and as such, all the doubts and questions that you are going to have, that's what the comment function on this blog is for. Shoot from the hip, gents. Don't hold back.

The interesting thing about the community is that the more 'advanced' it gets, the deeper it goes. We started out 10 years ago looking at how to open a conversation, and now we are looking to build our strength right deep down at the spiritual level.

A lot of the reasons for this are that if you have that kind of deep spiritual power, problems with women just evaporate as if they were never there. This is kind of strange and pretty interesting.

Another thing that many people have encountered is that once you get that kind of shit going on, you are suddenly tuned in to the very highest parts of your self. This is absolutely true and deeply revolutionary. It's also one of the main things (addictions notwithstanding) that held me in the seduction community for a long time after I'd achieved way beyond what I'd set out to achieve woman-wise when I got into it.

That is to say, it held my attention, strongly. You'll have heard it referred to in this blog and various community websites as 'nimbus'. And it is a very interesting phenomenon.

To describe it as being 'really on' is not accurate or honest. It is way beyond that. It's much more like a whole new dimension of power and insight which you gain access to. Which feels completely natural, like you at the deepest level. And it's not just your charisma that it supercharges, it blasts into everything. Intellect, sensitivity, vision, clarity, focus - everything.

Now, my question was 'can you trigger and sustain this in the context of seduction.' I spent a lot of time and energy doing my best to do just that, until I realised the simple and inconvenient truth that seduction is a context wherein the sustaining of genuine deep power is impossible.

So what then?

The interesting thing is that firstly, the feeling of this peak state goes way beyond that which you may gain from the adulation of others. In fact it has much less to do with how others see you, and much more to do with how you see them - how tuned in you are to their needs, and how effective you are at meeting them. In fact, it has much more to do with channeling love than with being loved.

Now love is a weak and feeble word, but it is not a weak or feeble thing. The crackling energy of this state gives you access to and turns you into a fountain of pure and genuine love that cuts through all negativity like a floodlight through shadow.

Now, the interesting thing is that when I was at my best, it was because I was going, every week, to a place where I would be exposed to exactly this phenomenon with great intensity.

Every week I would be filled with this thing, with this power.

It's interesting, because the first time I ever went to that place, I reacted very badly. I felt a deep defiance in parts of me I didn't even know I had. I felt a slithering inside my chest, like snakes under rock that had just been lifted. Which to be honest, didn't say very good things about my internals.

I'm going to give you a blast of that place I went to. It's free, you can download it instantly.

Now, before I tell you what that place is, there's something I want to talk about.

Infinity.

Infinity is something which many of us have started to take more seriously recently. The work of men like Eckhart Tolle has given us gateways, if you will, into an unseen realm.

If you don't know anything about this dude, google the fucker, and download his shit. It's good shit. He's a bit of a hippy, but of a very practical and grounded nature.

Now, the thing about the infinite in it's Buddhist conception is that the Buddha, and by extension his followers, see the infinite as a sea in which you dissolve.

They see you, as in you the ego structure, as a static conception in a world of shifting and ever-dynamic intertwined processes.

This is, I believe, pretty fucking astute.

As such, they believe that the way to achieve eternal peace is to dissolve into this infinity.

That's basically Buddhism. Everything else is a route to that - the meditation, the monasticism, the wearing orange, all that jazz.

Now don't get me wrong. I do not think this is stupid, nor inaccurate.

But I do believe it is incomplete.

The difference between the conception of the infinite held by Buddhists, and the conception of the infinite put forward by Christians (at least the ones who aren't too busy gay-bashing or shooting abortion doctors) is that the infinite has a personality.

That it, essentially, is a person. You can interact with it as you would interact with a person. It has a specific plan and agenda for you, as a person would. It has a very distinct character. It talks to you, and it listens to you when you talk back.

That's the first thing. When a Christian talks about 'God' they are referring to precisely the same phenomenon as Eckhart Tolle is when he speaks of 'Being'. When they refer to the 'Holy Spirit' they are talking about the same phenomenon as Eckhart Tolle is when he talks about presence.

The only difference is that they are not just experiencing it directly, but also talking to it directly, and listening to it directly.

Truth is, a great many Christians are shit at this. A great many Christians are much really Christian as Michael Bay is an actual bay.

Nonetheless, it is a very interesting avenue, is it not, to think that there might be something here that is not 'different' to Tolle's conception of the infinite, but is actually deeper and more sophisticated.

Before you turn away in disgust - realise this. I am not, nor will I ever be, a religious man. Religion is fucked - every bit as fucked as seduction. Neither of them is any kind of path to follow. Both will destroy you. I think everyone gets this about religion, and I think in time we'll realise it about seduction also. The big difference is that religion is not a ten-year old underground movement on the internet.

Still, they both have some things in common.

Both of them have their doctrines.

Both have their stock defence mechanisms.

Both have their idols, and both have their heretics. Like me.

Both have evangelists, both have acolytes, both have articles of faith.

Both have their pioneers, both have their standard rationalisations, both have their theologians, and both have the devils they fight.

In fact, I'll go further and say that what we are looking at here is basically the same phenomenon.

The main difference would be that in seduction you get laid quicker and the mid-life crisis hits you a great deal faster.

I've just read over that last sentence and got that feeling you get where you're trying to be funny and you accidentally say something so on point it's mental. A bit like in that film Idiocracy. Hehe.

Ok, here's the thing.

There is no future in either. They are both paths that promise much, and lead nowhere.

However.

There is still 'nimbus' to account for. And there is still the fact that what Christians are attempting, no matter how stupid or counterproductive their methods or their results may be, is something much deeper than dissolving into the sea.

It is forming a relationship, a living, full on, broadband connection, with the infinite.

Now THAT is a definition of nimbus if ever I heard one.

So here is your first challenge.

Greatness. True greatness. There is a guy who's name is Pete, who is a friend of mine. He is, literally, in community parlance, full nimbus.

He a pastor in a non-denominational church and his sermons are searching and penetrating examinations of what genuine greatness is, and how to forge - and maintain - this connection which I speak of.

Here is an mp3. Listen to it. It is fucking awesome. This dude's level of personal wisdom is beyond anything I have ever encountered in real life.

http://www.destinyedinburgh.com/Sermons/Redefining_greatness.aspx

All your comments will be answered.

Apart from the ones trying to goad me into slating Tyler. Stop asking me to do that. It's not going to happen. Not unless you give me a big bag of money.

And some crack.

Word.

Thursday, 29 May 2008

Before I Forget...

Yeah, my facebook account is my full name:

That's "Ciaran Healy" to the uninformed.

There are a few Ciaran Healys on facebook.

I'm the pretty one.

Add me.

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Falling Feels Like Flying On The Way Down

Ok guys, here's a response I was writing to someone and again, it got out of hand so I figured I'd post it here.

"Anonymous said...

Dude WHAT-THE-FUCK are you talking about? lol

Iam in the seduction community cause I want to get better with women. Some guys are good with women, some are not. If you want to get better with women you learn how to get better in a seduction community. If you don't want to be better with girls you don't join a seduction community."

It's not that simple. If you want to get better with girls, and you join the seduction community, not only will you probably not get better with girls (really - the overwhelming majority of guys who try this fail and are worse off with women afterward than when they started) if you do get better with girls then that newfound skill will not better your life.

It will damage you and those around you.

"WHAT IAM TRYING TO SAY IS THIS: Just chill bro'!!! What is all this complex nerd-talk about life good for? Keep it simple man... Let's bang some chicks!! RAWR!!!(H)"

This is not complex. This is chillingly simple. If you 'bang some chicks' you are not going to be better off for having done it. Period.

"...or not if it makes you more happy to sit in your room and read buddha and stuff."

Dude, I have no illusions that I am going to change your mind. None. I know you are set on this path, and I am sorry for you because you deserve better than where you are headed.

At the same time, 'sitting in your room reading buddha and stuff' is just as fucked as seduction if you're doing it because it 'feels good.'

What is good for you does not always feel good.

And frankly if 'what feels good' is the compass by which you are guiding your journey in life - fuck dude. Like, come on, man. Can you not see that this is dangerous? I mean, can you not see that living like this is emotionally unsustainable? And deeper than that - that the part of you that you are feeding by living this way in any area, let alone the all-consuming addiction of the seduction community, is something that will not serve you?

I mean, really, dude - and anyone reading this, listen. If what makes you happy in the short term is your compass needle, you are feeding that part of you that has no depth!

Do not be so blinded by your victories and the rhetoric of others that you believe that you can get away with this! Do not believe you are above the inescapable laws of human nature!

Hell does not give a fuck what you tell yourself! It just doesn't care! It laughs at you when you rebel against what you must know, somewhere in you, is the truth!

"Destructive??? Dark places??? Iam happier then I've ever been and I look around at the people around me who are doing drugs, complaining, mass drinking, consumerism, YOU KNOW ALL TAHT NICE STUFF???"

Do you not think that I had my periods of amazing happiness? Dude, like I have said, I was very good. I was better at this than most guys ever get. There are a lot of professionals with big followings who did not have the abilities I had. And I reveled in them. I felt like a million dollars. I'd never felt that good before or since.

And let me tell you man, that it's not the sex - although I had a shitload of that. That's like a fucking sideshow to the real action. The real action is the pride. The massive pride in who you are.

The pride that I overcame the impossible. The pride that I went from Zero to Hero. The pride that I lived untouched by the insecurities that had dogged me, and the pride that I was always the centre of attention.

That I could see the fucking matrix, man - that I could handle myself in with the hottest chicks like Neo handles himself in a bar-fight with a fat disabled drunk.

You see it changes. Firstly, there's the high of getting laid. That's a big high. It's even bigger when you consider all the shit you've gone through to get there.

Then when you really start to kick ass, there's the high of just being really slick. That's a big high.

Now here's the thing. You'll be pulling shit out of your ass that is awesome, and you'll love it. You'll be like "this is the coolest shit ever!"

And the girls will love it. And your friends will love it. And all the dudes on the internet will love it.

And there will be nothing about it that seems in any way wrong. Nothing. In fact, it will seem like the most natural and cool thing ever.

You will become a turbo-charged version of yourself, and it will rock so hard you will become an evangelical preacher, converting others to this way.

But here's the problem. And before I get into this let me again state that I have no illusions that this will change your mind. I do not think I would have stopped had I got as deep into this as you.

I guess what I want to do is to say to anyone reading this who is sitting on the brink - get the fuck away from the brink.

The problem is simple. The impossible becomes commonplace.

The impossible becomes commonplace.

What I'm saying is this. The human mind can normalise itself to anything. You will normalise yourself to this glory and when you do, you will encounter something.

This is something, incidentally, that I remember raising at a sit down dinner I had not so long ago with some of the best 'ladies men' alive.

Every single one of them nodded. So do not think that what I am about to describe to you is an isolated case, or specifically to do with me.

The problem you will encounter is NOT boredom.

It is NOT 'oh well, let's just do something else'.

You cannot condition yourself for months and years to relentlessly think and behave in a certain way without building up a massive inertia behind it.

The problem is very simply this - a creeping sense of the hollow.

This is not something that leaps upon you like a wolf. It just starts to seep into your life like poison.

Bit by bit, it gets more and more potent. It does this slowly, and you experience it as follows.

You're hitting on a lovely girl and suddenly you realise, maybe 30 minutes in to the conversation, that you are DEFINITELY going to be able to sleep with her.

You can see everything ahead, and you know exactly how to handle it. Short of an act of God, you know you're already fucking her, you're just moving toward a conclusion.

And when you get that realisation, the magic leaves the situation and it feels dull and mechanical.

And you do it anyway. And you fuck her, and you feel 'meh' about it.

Nothing dramatic, nothing massive, just 'yeah, hmm, ok then. Sex."

So you're chasing that rush you used to get and you go for hotter and hotter chicks.

And for a while you get that rush again. Then again, it goes. And you go for threesomes and strippers. And you get another rush.

Then the banality sets in. And it just feels like "ok, here's another mars bar, I'll eat the mars bar and get the sugar rush. Great. Now I need another mars bar."

And that sense of hollowness, all this time, is getting stronger and louder and harder to ignore.

Who the fuck am I?

What the fuck is going on?

Why do I feel so alone all the time?

And you shake it off and say "Don't be such a pussy. Stop bitching. There are a shitload of guys who would kill to get what you have. Buck your ideas up sonny Jim. Go to the club.

So you go to the club. And you pull.

And this time the hollowness doesn't wait for the sex to be over.

It doesn't wait for a week after you get laid, nor a day, nor a minute.

It's right there with you fucking you as you fuck her.

And suddenly you start thinking "who gives a fuck about this?"

But you can't stop.

And by this time the damage you're doing to yourself by each new girl you fuck is like throwing matches on a bonfire. You're already burning.

You're already way beyond fucked. You're just waiting for the least little thing to come tip those scales and drop you the fuck down.

And it will because the house you have built is a house of cards, and it CANNOT stand.

And when you fucking fall man, you fucking fall. And if any of you out there are thinking "what's all this existential nonsense, why doesn't he talk in specifics" let me say this.

It's not fucking nonsense when it's tearing you a new emotional asshole every single minute of every single day.

It's not fucking nonsense when your skills with women, those same skills you spent so much time honing are ripped away from you because no woman will even speak with a man who's so transparently worthless in his own eyes.

It's not fucking nonsense when all the guys who looked up to you are now looking at you like you never had any skill whatsoever and all your bleating claims of "I used to be good" are unconvincing even to you.

Look, I know that a lot of guys are in this and they seem so together. They're fucking the hottest chicks with total impunity and they feel like a million fucking dollars.

But that million fucking dollars is on loan, dude, and when that debt gets called in, you lose a lot more than you ever think you stood to lose in the first place.

I guess I just want to end with one thought. A lot of guys have responded to me saying "what about me, I feel great" or "What about X, he feels great".

Guys, falling feels like flying on the way down.

Falling feels like flying on the way down.

And the guy who wrote this letter to me is right to point at all the things that are fucked about the world.

"doing drugs, complaining, mass drinking, consumerism..."

You are right. These things are fucked. And they're fucked because they ALL - ALL OF THEM - are about building a life based on short-term hits of happiness, superiority and pride.

As seduction is.

AS SEDUCTION IS.

And just as you cannot divorce "doing drugs, complaining, mass drinking, and consumerism" from the short term high and the long term low that are associated with them, that are inextricably bond up in the very foundations of what these things are - ANY project of self-improvement based around seduction is irretrievably interwoven with the short term hit and the long-term low.

But the real killer is this. That long term low will hit you. And it will. There is no way out while you strive to be a better seducer of women.

None. Full stop.

Sorry.

Sunday, 25 May 2008

A Short Public Service Announcement

Hey there guys.

Ok, as some of you are aware, I've recently left RSD.

Before I go on to explain the reasons behind this, I think it's important to say that there has not been a 'falling out'. Sorry. No drama. Well, not of that kind, anyway.

Also, anyone looking at the RSD forum will notice that my archive has been deleted. This is because I personally requested it's deletion, and I would like to thank Tyler and the guys for doing that for me. They didn't have to and make the waves associated with it, but they did and I thank them for that.

To quote from the email I sent to Tyler asking for him to do this:

" A lot of the stuff I've advised guys to do and a lot of the ways I've
told guys to think are going to lead them into very dark places. It's
something I wasn't prepared to admit while I was still in RSD, but
it's abundantly clear to me now that I've been misusing my gifts as a
writer and a thinker to glorify myself at the expense of what's really
good for the people who trust me and listen to me. "

And that's the truth, guys.

Ok, the reason I left RSD is this. I am done with seduction. I really am. I don't think that there's a future there for me, and I don't think it's what I should be doing. Recently I've been feeling like the darkness inherent in that path is too much for me to take, to handle, or to survive.

There is nothing more seductive than the seduction community. It really, really got under my skin. It really, really went to my head. And the blunt truth is that the deeper I got into it, the more I realised that the vision of the 'happy seducer' that we all cherish and strive for is, I believe, a fiction.

Now, RSD is very open about this. Tyler has said on several occasions that it is in sorting out your life that you sort out your love life, and Jeffy has spoken live in many instances on the fact that seduction will not and cannot 'save' you.

Before I go on, I would like to state that I believe that RSD represents the very best of the community, not simply in their ability to build your confidence and success with women but also in terms of their integrity as men.

However, I do not believe that the mission to 'get good with women' is one which is emotionally sustainable nor ultimately healthy. It is good inasmuch as it provides a focal point for self-improvement, but I feel that there is a fundamental contradiction between detaching yourself from ego, self-worship and pride by embarking on a campaign of short-term superficial physical relationships with strangers.

This is a personal opinion which I have reached myself after extensive testing. I do not want it to be true. I wish that I could believe that there is redemption in charisma, in sex and in the glory of owning a club but the truth is that I have climbed to the top of that mountain and found nothing there but a cliff-face.

This is not a condemnation of any of the guys at RSD, who I still consider my friends. They are a superb group of men, deeply committed to helping everyone they come into contact with. I have accompanied them on several bootcamps and was consistently blown away by the compassion, genius and dedication of the instructor staff.

Also, I am especially happy that I was involved in the launch of Tyler's Blueprint, which is an amazing work - a true piece of modern philosophy from a true philosopher.

Nonetheless, I am glad that I have left the community, and I do not regret my decision to leave RSD. However, I still have a deep love and respect for the guys I worked with, and I will miss them all. With the potential exception of Jeffy. He's a dick. Kidding. Love you Jeff.

;p

So that's all I've got to say for now. It was one hell of a ride, guys.

Oh, and stay tuned to the blog. I will continue to update. And you're not going to want to miss this.

Ever Yours

Ciaran

Wednesday, 7 May 2008

Amazing Sermon

This is a sermon from the Pastor of Destiny Church, Edinburgh. His name's Pete, and I'm humbled to say that he's a friend of mine.

Check it, it's incredible.

http://www.destinyedinburgh.com/Sermons/Good_friends_-_now_you_are_ready_for_life.aspx

Tuesday, 6 May 2008

Transmuting Fear Into Nimbus

Hey guys - response to a comment on one of my posts got out of hand so I decided to post it as a main blog post. I'm such a scamp.

Basically, the poster asked

"If you fear a woman, and fear rejection from a woman, then you have essentially allowed a woman to dictate what you need to fear or not."

I guess my point wasn't really about women, but the fact that fear entrenches itself in things. This isn't something you allow or don't allow - you can't stop it. Fear creeps in. And when it creeps in it builds fortresses for itself wherever it can. Fortresses of thought, of reason, of what you experience as insecurity.

One of the things it entrenches itself in, and the reasons for this are no doubt complex, is in trying to attract someone of the opposite sex.

I guess what I'd say is that it's not really a case of 'allowing' women to scare you, more admitting the fact that they already do.

If it were just a case of 'not allowing' the fear, guys would be having a lot more sex than they are. It's not a case of allowing or not allowing as I see it - the fact is that when you rock up to a honey you've never met, that calls out a lot of insecurities into the light of day. A lot of things you'd never even think you're subject to.

This gives you an opportunity to call out the deep structures of the 'ego,' and bring them from your subconscious into your conscious mind.

It doesn't need to be about girls either, nor is it necessarily gendered. The crucible can be any situation that is sufficiently intense. A high-octane sales role, for instance, would have similar effects.

The main problem with these high-octane situations is that the extreme levels of confidence and internal unity which they give you access to can lead to intense arrogance. The guy who hits on a lot of chicks and so calls out his insecurities, or the guy who takes a high-octane sales role treads a hard and brutal path, but it will get him powerful results.

The problem is that it is extremely easy to get lost in either the sex or the money respectively, and in doing so to lose touch with the highest part of yourself.

Perhaps this is inevitable, and if it is I would not be surprised. There is something inherently Faustian about both the 'seduction community' and the kind of high-pressure work environments I'm talking about.

At the same time, I cannot help thinking back to the power that I unleashed in myself. The purity of it, the clarity of thought it gave me.

I go back to what I posted earlier in the blog, in Zen/Nimbus Fusion.

The first time I enjoyed sustained access to the state of Nimbus I went in blind, just looking for the best way to pull chicks and accidentally stumbling across a higher state of consciousness, of radiant beauty and power, of total clarity of thought and expression.

The hubris was what pulled me down - and the truth is that this is not my own isolated case. The problem of hubris is intimately connected with the phenomenon of Nimbus, whether that Nimbus is triggered by 'pick up' or by your abilities as a rock-star, or by your ability as a salesman, or by your ability as a politician or whatever.

And yet, throughout history there have been those isolated cases of people who have ignited Nimbus and retained humility. Sort of got the Nimbus, but didn't lose their shit. Saints, for instance. And Gandhi. Moses. Christ. Buddha.

Point is, there's something here, and I don't know if it's just madness to look at it, and I don't know if you can purposefully ignite it without destroying yourself in the process.

Maybe you can't. Maybe it's arrogance even to try. Sometimes I'm reminded of all those Greek legends of the heroes who tried to climb Olympus. Perseus - ended up dead. Prometheus ended up in eternal torment.

These are not idle cautionary tales, these are deep truths about the way of things.

But if a pure Nimbus divorced from any sense of personal accomplishment or sense of self - if such a thing could be mapped, could be discovered, then such a thing could be industrialized.

This is madness, I know it, but if you had felt the giddy brilliance, the total power and clarity of a human mind in a state of complete unleashed flow, you would know as I do that the prize here is no less than a fire that could burn this world to the ground... or save it.

Eckhart Tolle holds a lot of the keys to achieving a state of genuine humility. His work is invaluable, but I feel that while it is potent beyond measure, there are intractable things in this world, deep darknesses that only Nimbus can penetrate.

The difference I think is between stepping back from the world and punching right through the centre.

But before this can be done, that ego, that vast fiction of you (and me) must be undone.

And the quickest way to do that is to enter the crucible - and listen to Tolle as a debrief.

The reason that's such a potent combo by the way is that going out hitting on chicks will rile your ego up like a crazy thing. When you listen to Tolle later (either when you get home if you haven't pulled or the next day if you have) he's not talking in the abstract. His insights will hit the structure of your ego like wrecking balls, because the structure of your ego is exposed.

This will allow you (I hope) to make rapid progress toward a clean kind of Nimbus (and by that I mean a humble Nimbus) that is unbelievably powerful but that will not lead you to the "Icarus-like" destruction that's so common in the 'community' - and in life.

You see, what we're dealing with here is the eternal question of whether or not a man can achieve vast sums of power without fucking himself up doing it.

I think it's possible - but maybe that's because I just refuse to give up hope that it is. If it's not, and life is really no more than the Augustinian story of "Shut up and keep your head down, or God will shoot it off" then, shucks, I just don't want to be part of that world.

Getting a bit sentimental now - but my point remains. Find where the fear is entrenched. Meet it, then hold yourself in that place, do what you can, express yourself as best you can, and when it hurts, use Eckhart Tolle to transform that pain into insight that will drive you further and further into a state of selfless purity and genuine power.

That's of course if you're doing it with pickup. I think that there might be several other ways to make this happen, several different ways to find a crucible that burns at your ego and exposes it for you to transmute into Nimbus.

I mentioned sales jobs, but really anything that places your personality on the line in a major way with no defences would do the trick. Anything that requires continual courage and tests your humanity.

Either that or you could stay at home and watch Power Rangers.

I prefer the green one.

Monday, 5 May 2008

The Howling

The howling will take you.

It is the justice of the cliff face, as unforgiving as cruel gravity and as jagged as a granite crag.

The howling waits. It is you at your most vicious, and it is easily provoked.

You see, your insecurity is not a weak or toothless creature. It is the sum total of all your silenced rage, of all the times you bit your tongue and muttered darkly. It is that part of you where the venom goes, where the knives are, where that vicious part of you lurks that would butcher a child just to see a mother cry.

It is the howling, and there is one thing that it cannot stomach.

And the crazy thing is that it is difficult to see the trigger, for once the howling descends upon you, you are torn limb from emotional limb. It will reduce everything in it's path to ash - and why?

Because it is the unleashed power of your unrequited hatred.

Now imagine if you unleash that hatred at someone else. Imagine how it would feel to unleash your hatred on someone - someone you know well.

You could tear them to shreds physically - or you could really hurt them. You could attack those wounds most deep and raw, those deep wounds that will collapse their personality like a house of cards into self-hate and despair.

But how much can you ever really know a person?

The truth is that there are secret wounds that lie buried behind the eyes of every single one of us, wounds so deep and dark that we would never speak of them to others.

What if you knew those wounds?

How fast could you reduce a man to suicidal despair if you knew those secret wounds that would grant you the ability to shatter him with a word?

Seconds.

The answer is seconds.

But you see, there is only one person in the whole world who knows those secret wounds in you, and that, my friend, is you.

And that is why you are the most deadly and savage threat you can or will ever face.

And the thing is, you do not need to go into fully fledged hatred for yourself in order for you to unleash the howling upon yourself.

All you need to do is lose your self-respect for just one second.

And in that second, you are already screaming because the howling will rise in you with the speed and intensity of the shriek of the feedback from a burning Stratocaster.

All it takes is for you to lose your self-respect for one moment, and you're already on your knees begging for the pain to stop.

My point is simple.

The howling cannot be controlled. It cannot even be slowed. All you can do is take the damage, then in it's wake pick up the pieces of what was once your personality and piece them together in some way that seems to work.

The howling is why so many live on their knees - because they compromise on how they allow themselves to be treated in life, and so they are torn to shreds in the holocaust of self-hate that leaves nothing but wreckage in it's wake.

You have to maintain your self-respect.

Always.

It is non-negotiable.

It is, as they say in Latin, a 'sine qua non'.

If you don't have it, the howling will take from you all that you do have and leave your vaunted dreams a mass of livid shards rattling between your ears awaiting your faltering attempts to rebuild some kind of personality.

And what is self-respect?

Self-respect is the knowledge that there is nothing in this world, no money, no woman, no man, no messiah, no message, no ideology, no hope, no plan, no crusade, no mission, no quest, no caveat, no quandary, no thing in all of the universe that is worth polluting the integrity of your genuine self for.

Now be warned lest you hide away behind a tantrum. This is not a cop-out for avoiding the shit you need to face to achieve your true potential. That shit is huge, and must be faced.

Remember - you can lie to yourself all you want to. The howling doesn't care about your lies. It is the part of you that sees how weak you are. It is the scourge, the terrible scourge that you wield upon yourself with chilling and callous rage, rendering your excuses and rationalizations as nothing.

There will be disrespect, and darkness and tests and pain to be taken. But have the courage to face it head on, and do not let it slide inside you like a snake.

The truth is that your 'self' such as it is, is infinite and beautiful like the microscopic complexity of a butterfly's wing or a strand of DNA. It is as powerful and unstoppable as a glacier or a tsunami. It is as deep and as creative as the universe itself because in truth, it is the universe itself.

There is nothing on this earth, nothing that can be named no matter how magnificent or majestic, no matter how phenomenal or unique, no matter how precious or wonderful - nothing that is worth compromising the sanctity of that radiant purity.

The funny thing is this - you can't fake this. If something truly owns you, that same thing will destroy you.

Nothing can stop it. You cannot dodge this one. It is the way of things.

If you're not prepared to walk away from something you love, that thing you love will gut you like a fish, because no matter how wonderful it is, it will overstep the boundary you never set, and when it does, the howling will come.

And once it comes, you're naught but ash, and that thing you love will look at you with the contempt you so richly deserve. And then it, or he or she or they will leave you broken.

You may recognise the pattern from those failed relationships with the women or the men you loved too much. I advance that it is a pattern that holds through all your life, through all the things you love.

So how to stop the howling from destroying you, while still holding fast to the things that you love?

It is simple, but pay attention, because simple and easy are very different things.

Everything pushes. Everything.

I remember being in love twice in my life and on both occasions, she pushed at the boundaries. On both occasions I had set none, and on both occasions I failed the test. Because I let myself be belittled, I lost self-respect for myself, just for an instant. And in that instant, the howling came and crippled me, and although a woman can love a man with a crippled body, no woman can love a crippled soul, whining and abject, begging for the least scraps of affection to rain meaning upon the desert I had reduced myself to.

These were not evil women. They were excellent women, the two best that I have yet encountered.

They did not 'compromise my self-respect' by pushing me beyond those boundaries. I did, by setting none.

And what is a boundary?

Is it the moment you open a can of anger? Is it the moment where you unleash the howling upon them? Or storm off in a tantrum? Or even shout "No! NO MORE!"

Is it?

No.

No.

Never.

It is, simply, the moment where you call the bluff.

Where you let her or him or them know they a limit exists in you, and that the limit has been reached, and beyond that limit, there is reality, and the justice of the cliff face. That they stand at the brink and there is nowhere left for them to push you.

That is it. No more, no less.

And how do you call that bluff?

That's simple.

You just look. You just look deep into the eyes in a moment that has no anger and no resentment and chills to the marrow. That gaze that drains all the joking and all the fun from the situation and makes it clear that there is no room left for friendship. That this is the moment where they throw down, walk away or silence themselves and show respect.

Essentially, you hold their gaze and bring forth, into your eyes, the coldest and most chilling part of you. That part of you where all light dies. That part of you they need only glimpse for the briefest of moments to know that they should bite their tongue and watch their step around you from now on in.

You do not unleash the howling.

You leash the howling.

Then you bring the howling in a moment of total clarity where your eyes lock. It needs last but the briefest of moments. It is pure unspoken communication, and all the more powerful for it, because it cannot be faked.

And then, as soon as you see the glee and cockiness die in their eyes, you slide the howling back into the shadows and bring back the sunshine.

The howling is not a toy. It is the darkest part of you, the part of humanity you read about in the news when you read of a massacre.

But in order to live as a human should, you must maintain self-respect, because respect is the only armour the howling cannot penetrate. Without your self-respect, you are not just lost. You are damned. Damned and burning.

The howling is your greatest enemy, but while you retain your self-respect it is the one guardian that no-one will challenge.

Oh, and one other thing.

The sooner you nip shit in the bud, the smaller the bluffs you'll have to call and the easier things will be. If you let things grow out of control, the bluff you will have to call can, and may well end the relationship, or whatever it is that has taken your heart.

And when it ends, it may well take your heart with it.

But as far as I see it, that's the price you pay for the cowardice you showed in letting it get to that point. And when we are talking about the inescapable natural justice that runs through the affairs of men, my life has taught me that you are best paying in pain up front.

Hiding from what you know you have to do is cowardice, and cowardice is something you will not accept in yourself. As soon as you see cowardice in yourself, you will lose your self-respect, and your armour with it. And we all know what is waiting for you then.

I have two questions for you.

My first is this - how much bullshit are you prepared to swallow to achieve the thing you want the most, be it a relationship or a mission or a role or anything in all the world?

My second is this - how will you ever respect yourself enough to sustain your strength through the shit you'll need to face if you are the kind of person who swallows bullshit?

Your self-respect is the only armour you can have or will ever have against the most brutal and sadistic enemy you'll ever face - an enemy who can reduce you to a quivering chunk of ruined and bleeding flesh in moments.

But then, of course, you know who I'm talking about.

You are who I'm talking about.

Thursday, 1 May 2008

Icebergs And Battlefields

So here's my theory.

It's all about icebergs and battlefields. I think you're going to like it.

The thing is this, I don't think it's stillness. I think it's love.

And not love in the Hollywood sense. Not love in the brotherly sense, nor in the charitable sense. I'm talking about the deep stuff, the deep love. The swirling substrate of reality itself.

God is love, the man said. And the one who lives in love, lives in God, allegedly. And God lives in him, I have heard.

Very well.

It's all love. There is no stillness, but only flowing love. Deep love, mind you, not some pansy ass bullshit.

That Nimbus that we speak of, it is not authority, nor is it presence, nor is it anything other than the pure love of humanity, the love of God, that flows through us - or that we obscure.

Whatever love flows through (deep love, mind you) is reified and filled with meaning and purpose. Anything filled with love becomes powerful and compelling, beautiful and - to us who are locked in the frozen wastes of hell - an end in and of itself.

Hence many things, not least the preoccupation with sex which fills the mind of many a man. It is not the sex he seeks so much as the glory, the meaning and the fulfillment that comes from that moment where a beautiful woman surrenders beneath his touch.

But you see it is the hunger for love that drives us to cast this world in a lens of division, to demonise men and manners, climates, councils, governments - and ourselves not least - because in demonising we give ourselves something more precious than we can each of us imagine.

We give ourselves the opportunity prove our goodness, our love and our meaning (for each of these is the same) by instigating carnage upon those whom we have arbitrarily decided to hate.

I was once so naive as to believe that the simple understanding of this process could set us free from hell.

Of course, the truth is that the darkness, the division, the fiction and the hate (for each of these is likewise the same) has been driven by you and I deep into ourselves. Deep down. Down beyond forgetting into a place where we cannot even remember the lies we have convinced ourselves are real.

What now?

Do we plunge through Zen, and meditation and prayer to shine a light into those dark places?

Of course we do, if we want to live.

But as my life continues I am increasingly of the mind that this is not enough.

There needs be some more proactive approach.

And the more I see, the more I am convinced of the fact that peace can be waged, just as war can be.

Where is your crucible? That is the point of all this, you see. That in this strange pursuit of women, we have discovered something that runs much deeper. That the light of consciousness can only dissolve those parts of you that are visible above the surface. Those deep, dark feelings that cut you inside will remain hidden in shadows forever.

Unless...

Unless....

Unless you call them out. Unless you place yourself into positions that drag your insecurities screaming and biting and tearing and shrieking into the light of day where they can die, and be born again as light - as you must be.

Find it. Find your crucible.

And why?

Because we are each one of us falling through infinity, and if we do not learn to fly, then we will fall forever.

The darkness in each of us is like an iceberg, and we cannot dissolve it by dissolving only the parts that we can see.

And mediation in stillness allows those deep pains, those deep wounds and those deep divisions in us to creep into the shadows. The Zen of the mountaintop, or the garden, or the lotus will dissolve those parts of you which are still jagged and painful on a mountaintop, or in a garden, or when contemplating a lotus.

And what you will achieve is peace and presence.

But what if you step into the fire, into the battlefield? The Zen of the battlefield can and will dissolve those parts of you which are fearful on a battlefield. Right deep down, down to the core.

And what you will achieve... has yet to be seen.

But you will understand, in time.